he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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