I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
