i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
