I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
