My cat gives me a boner
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
