KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
