I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
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Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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