We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
