Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
