Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
