my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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