she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
