Don't make out with my wife yet
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
