It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
