grandma shit on top of the toilet
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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