On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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