I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
