I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
