Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
