he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
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