your thong is hanging out like whoa
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
