Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
