Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
