This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
