I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
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friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
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I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I love you. Go after that dick
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag