What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?