she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
