My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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