he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize