i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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