I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say š
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, itās that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You told him he ācould park his dick in your garageā.
Well he didnāt. It shouldnāt be this hard to get a penis.
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