walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
