I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
