So drunk, too bad you don't want this
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
