You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
