weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
