I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
