beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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