My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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