Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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