also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
