OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
