Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
