What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
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