so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?