Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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