I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday