I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.