Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
