Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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