You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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