Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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