He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
