I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
