:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
