Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
