Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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