K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
