my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
