Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
