I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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