the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
This couple is walking their pig around campus
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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