Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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